I have been thinking a great deal lately about change. Just some random thoughts here more for my own reflection than any one else's benefit...Of course, life is filled with changes from the very beginning of our lives we see change all around us in more ways than can be counted. At some point, it seems, we come to an understanding of some level of change that is barely discernable so much so that we view our lives as static. Our "change tolerance threshold" becomes greater and greater as we mature. But then, there are those moments where we do exede our "normal" level of change in life and things get out of balance. It isn't that they will never be back in balance again, but these times can threaten to overwhelm us if we are not centered in our thinking and in our faith.
Here's my own situation:
I had come to the place a little over 15 months ago that I was comfortable with the pace of life and had not been beyond my "change tolerance threshold". Life was going along fairly smoothly. Joey was approaching a year old. Marriage was something that had become quite comfortable. Ministry was going well. All was right with the world. Then in April my mother died. Ooops... the pace of change picked up. Then, the family of origin started to fall apart at the seams... Getting faster. Then the legal wrangling started within the family over greed and self-centeredness picked up and there were added demands on my time for these issues... Even faster down the track. Then Ian was born, then new ministry opportunities started coming along... And it got pretty intense around here. Through it all, I have been able to function. However, the level of effectiveness I was having in life dropped far below the level I am satisfied with.
Today, I find myself in a different place than I have been over these past many months. While there was a time a few months ago, I was quite possibly teetering on the edge of depression, I have pulled back from that precarious place and have felt the pervasive sense of melancholy that I wrote about yesterday. This may actually be a constructive emotion in some ways. I may even have bcome more thoughtful and reflective than I have ever been and I am beginning to think that this is a good thing. I also sense a return to a more satisfied feeling about life in general. My faith, my wife, and my children have truly remained a great source of strength and hope in my life through all of these many months. However, Jenny pointed out to me a couple of weeks ago something that I needed to hear. That being that I have not been my usual happy self in recent months. I think it has all been related to this sense of change and loss regarding my family of origin following my mother's death. No, I do not think it has been hopelessness or pessimism or anything like that. Primarily, I think it is just learning to get back to the place of tolerance of change. Of course, as I begin a new ministry in a new community, I will certainly expereince a great deal of change. However, I truly believe that this is proving to be a return to DIFFERENT change than I have been surrounded with since Mom died. I sense that the change that we are facing as we move to Wood River, is a more positive change and is something that will prove energizing and life-giving rather than the draining and negative change of these past 15 or so months.
Of course, there are uncertainties surrounding any new circumstance in life. But, there are new friendships to be formed, old friendships to be celebrated and affirmed, and new experiences to stretch and challenge me in healthy ways. Maybe my optimism and hope really are returning to me at the right moment in time... Just another affirmation of the truth that God is orchestrating things in ways that will be nourishing to my soul and glorifying to Him! Life is good: that much has never stopped being true... But the thing that is different now... I think it is simply that I can see again that it really is true.
Jenny and I also were able to find a few moments tonight for a reflective, thoughtful, deep discussion about these things and that few moments were very life-giving for me. Yet another reminder to me just how very much I love this woman!
I think I will be alright... No... I know I will! God Has blessed me beyond measure and FAR more than I deserve!
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